Cruise control

John saw a large motor home being towed into the garage in a car dealership. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repairs and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film “Twister.”

John asked the manager what had happened.

“The driver had set the ‘cruise control’ and then went in the back to make a sandwich,” he replied.

Good news, bad news

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.

Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Delicious

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said: “You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? She can’t see very well now. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire book. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

A week later, mom sent out her letters of thanks. “Milton,” she wrote to one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”