Panda in a cafe

    A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

    “Why?” asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

    The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. “I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

    The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

    “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”

    Winning Nobel Prize

    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”

    The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

    “How?” asks the man, puzzled.

    “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”