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在线翻译:
szdaily -> Budding Writers -> 
Angel and demon (I)
    2017-01-11  08:53    Shenzhen Daily

    It is 3 a.m. now. I get up from my bed because of a stomach ache and also because of trying to escape the torture that haunts my mind. I find an empty notebook, open it up to the first page and write:

    To my inner demon:

    How can you treat my university life like this? How can you allow me to spend most of my time in my dormitory with my roommates instead of in the seven-floor library? How can you make me so stressed that my stomach aches so much? I have been at university for three months and you have controlled me for all of that time.

    Learning — something I was good at and had always loved — has become a perpetual torment now. Because of you, I often miss the next morning’s English listening comprehension class. Even when I attend the class, I cannot help dozing off.

    I start to copy and paste from online essays. When you see me watching Korean dramas every day with a bag of chips and crazily calling my favorite K-pop male idol “Oppa” with Mei and Xiu in the dormitory, when you see me playing computer games with Yao on her bed without moving and speaking a word for the whole night, when you see me going to karaoke with them, shouting loudly and dancing like a clown in the 50-yuan karaoke box every weekend, are you satisfied?

    You have witnessed my change from a positive girl to a self-indulgent girl, a procrastinator and a cheater. And all of these are not what I expected I would be. What am I here for? You have no idea how industrious and determined I was in my senior year in order to be admitted into this dream university.

    And now you have destroyed my dream. I should have read more English grammar books. I should have watched more American films and read British novels instead of watching Korean dramas. You know very well how it hurts when a person continues to do something that she should stop doing and you apply it to me successfully.

    It is you, evil one, that has made me become sleepless, tossing and turning every night. When everything becomes quiet, with no singing, no “Oppa” and no game music around me, this is the most difficult part. You show my shame, excuses and regrets for what I have done in the daytime in front of me openly and wantonly. You send Anxiety and Depression to track me down like detectives, who then flank me — Anxiety on my left, Depression on my right. And the three of us have such strange, secret and annoying conversations.

    “What do you want from me this time?” I ask.

    “Imagine what your future would look like if you continued spending the following years in such a self-destructive way.” Anxiety moves closer, dripping with sweat.

    “There is no hope and nothing to hope for. Only hollowness and emptiness are your companions.” Depression shrugs.

    “Go away,” I tell them.

    “Don’t you want to change the situation? You are addicted to temporary fun and games. Think about your parents’ success. Compared to them, you are a loser. They will be ashamed of you.” Anxiety gives me a nudge.

    “Hey, buddy. That is the life of your university. Your numbness and trouble concentrating on your studies will continue,” Depression says apologetically.

    “Shut up.” The dismal interior dialogue ends when I refuse to accept the fact.

    Tonight, I beg you sincerely to leave my life with your messengers as far as you can. Please stop making me feel sick of myself. Stop torturing me.

    Your victim,

    A suffering me

    Wiping my tears, I go to bed with the hope that Anxiety and Depression will not come to me again, but a miracle does not happen. I am still questioned by them and swung between them. Perhaps I need to email my dad for advice tomorrow.

    Dear Dad,

    It is my third month at university, the most relaxing time in my 18 years.

    When I was a little child, you always recalled your valuable time at Beijing University of Chinese Medicine where you studied for seven years and received a PhD degree. Every time you told me that university students could find whatever books they wanted in the library and various social activities like English Corner and Confucius Philosophy Society were available, I was so eager to grow up in order to experience such a lifestyle full of freedom.

    However, I find studying English at Beijing Foreign Studies University is not working as I expected. I start to know why so many foreign and local media comment on current Chinese university sarcastically. I saw an article in People’s Daily yesterday. It says that there are two extremes in Chinese education. One is that Chinese students push themselves so harshly and even cruelly before the gaokao in order to get into a famous university and the other is that they waste four years in a dormitory at university. They suspect that what we want to get is only a degree from a good university, which I cannot agree with but it is hard to find the evidence to prove ourselves.

    I participated in English Corner, but no one speaks English there. It is more like a chatting room with free drinks and snacks. When I find a few students in the library, most of my friends invite me to go for barbecue, I do not know what to choose. I am relaxed when I hang out with them but at the same time I feel confused and a sense of emptiness. Is it always happening when we feel relieved and free after the gaokao?

    Hope to hear from you soon.

    Love,

    Daughter

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