DO you know what keeps couples therapists in business? Dishwashers and cars. While you may think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, dishwasher-loading technique and driving style do rank high on the list of minor irritations, according to therapist Dr. Daphne de Marneffe. In fact, daily annoyances often lead to tit-for-tat squabbles that are painful for everyone involved.

Over the long haul, the person you live with will continue to irritate you simply because they are human. But when you’re dealing with a partner who doesn’t replace the toilet-paper roll, assumes you’ll feed the dog or plays games on his phone during family movie night, it’s natural to wish you could just escape into another parallel universe.

Of course, not all aggravations are the same. There are tendencies that can’t be helped, like your partner’s snoring. There are the characteristics that annoy you on a regular basis — like his lateness — but that aren’t intended to torture you. Finally, there are those inconsiderate or careless behaviors that you’ve signaled are important to you but never seem to change. And you can cause even more friction if you treat an unintentionally irritating behavior as if it were a guided-missile attack.

When you’re annoyed by things your partner can’t help, ask yourself: On a scale of one to 10, how much does this bother me? If it’s a five or under, make it your goal to zip your lips, count to 10, and practice deep breathing. If it’s over a five, bring it up with as much tact as you can muster. Hopefully, they’ll want to please you and try to change a bit.

Pick your battles

Obviously, turning every irritating behavior into a target for improvement is a losing proposition, since no one wants to live in an atmosphere of constant criticism. Such nit-picking will lead one partner to ask the other, “Do you even like me?” Consider which bothersome behaviors end up truly compromising feelings of trust or closeness in your relationship. Those are the ones that merit your focus.

For a couple that Marneffe saw, the problem was that the wife often interrupted the husband when they were socializing with friends. “In my culture, people are loud and boisterous, and they always interrupt each other as part of conversation,” the wife said, thinking it no big deal. But the husband thought the wife was disrespecting him, and people noticed it. The solution is, like always, making a compromise. The husband tries to feel less put down by the wife’s natural style, and the wife tries to act more sensitive to her effect on him.

Remember that certain situations are inherently stressful

Couples often get irritated with each other without realizing that the situation itself is heightening their anxiety.

For example, when a young couple is on a family road trip with two toddlers who have been fussy in the backseat of the car for six hours, any small incident could lead to a tit-for-tat squabble. During those situations, try to recognize when you’re both reacting to outside forces and give each other a break.

Practice not letting it get to you

When you raise your voice or make a snarky comment, it’s usually not a voluntary action — it’s a reaction. The most powerful antidote to irritation is being able to take a step back and reconsider your reactions. When you can notice, breathe through and accept your own distress; it helps you make better choices about how to respond.

On reflection, you’ll probably find there’s more than one cause. For instance, it was aggravating that your partner made a mess cooking pancakes Sunday morning, but perhaps you were especially grouchy because you woke up at 4 a.m. worrying about work and couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s easy to feel he deserved your reaction, but on further thought you might decide you were triggered for your own reasons. At that point, don’t try to justify your behavior or defend your “right” to react. Your goal is to circle back and say something like, “Hey, sorry I reacted that way. I had a rough night. I’ll try my best not to take it out on you like that.” Then you might have the chance to say, “Sometimes it’s hard to face the kitchen cleanup. Maybe when I’m exhausted we could do it together?”

Above all else, try to keep minor irritations just that: minor. Having a sense of generosity and willingness to look at the big picture can keep them from ballooning out of proportion. You’d want your partner to do the same for you.

(SD-Agencies)