Editors Note

Chinese women whose husbands turn out to be homosexual are known as "tongqi," meaning "wives of comrades," referring to the Mandarin slang term given to gay men in China. The marriages tend to be loveless, yet many of the women feel unable to seek a divorce because of family pressure to have children, and fears about the societal stigma attached to divorce.

On the eve of World AIDS Day which falls on Dec. 1, Guangzhou Gay Relatives Club, a grass-roots organization for public good, organized an activity Nov. 20 for tongqi who had voiced their concerns: If you are gay, please do not marry a woman. If you are a tongqi, accept the fact and get out of the marriage.

Living a lie

MANY gay men in China, though it is difficult to know the exact number, face a major dilemma: Maintain an unfulfilling marriage, or risk social stigma by coming out as homosexual.

According to a study of Zhang Beichuan, director of the China Sexology Association, homosexuals account for 3-5 percent of the male population. He believes about 80 percent of an estimated 16 million gay men are married which means the number of straight women with gay husbands could be as high as 10 million, given that same-sex marriage is illegal.

Coming out

At the Nov. 20 event, Li Bi was one of the 60 people who joined the discussion about tongqi.

Li had been married for three years before she found out her husband was gay. He had known all along, but like many homosexual men in China, had chosen to enter a traditional marriage due to social and familial pressure.

"Everything was rosy to begin with," said the Guangzhou native. Yet three years after they got married, she said her husband became cold and emotionally detached, and, after finding pornographic gay magazines and DVDs in her husband's locker, she realized she was being deceived.

"My husband never kissed me or hugged me. I thought I had done something wrong. He would always wait until I was already asleep before coming to bed. He didn't want me to touch him. Most women will blame themselves in such a situation," Li said.

When Li confronted her husband, a government employee, about his secret 20-year habit of looking at gay pornography, he explained he felt insecure about his slim build and enjoyed looking at stronger men's bodies.

He later admitted that he was a bisexual and agreed to see a doctor after Li threatened a divorce.

"He didn't want a divorce and refused to admit to being homosexual. He was easily irritated and we ended our sexless marriage this July," Li said.

Many of these women feel their husbands have used them as a shield. Despite this, most of them do not end the marriages, according to Zhang, who was also founder of Friends Exchange magazine, a publication aimed at people dealing with issues related to homosexuality.

"Usually these women are better educated and are more financially independent. Most of those who choose to get a divorce don't have children," Zhang said.

Liu Yu, who has a three-year-old child, is another case. Liu and Li met in an online chat room.

Liu chose to divorce after her husband sent her gay photos through QQ. "I feel that our marriage is strange because there is so little physical affection. I had stayed in this unhappy situation for a long time because we had a child," said Liu.

"I did not want my daughter to grow up without a father. But I did not want her to grow up in a dysfunctional family either," she said.

Even after the divorce, Liu felt unable to tell her parents the reason. Social pressure, and a lack of understanding and acceptance of homosexuality, means it is hard for women in China to realize that the situations they find themselves in are not their fault, let alone persuade their parents of this truth.

"I could not tell anyone who knows me in real life," said Liu, "but I go to tongqi gatherings and seek help from people who have suffered in the same way."

Loveless marriages

Suppressed sexuality can lead to drug abuse, alcohol abuse and domestic violence.

Tongqi are usually the last to know the truth about their husbands’ sexual orientation since their husbands go to great lengths to conceal it.

"While gay husbands cannot satisfy their wives sexually, some can still be good fathers and care for their families," says Zhang. "But to these wives, the hardest thing is mental or emotional abuse rather than physical abuse. Their husbands don't love them, some are even disgusted by any physical contact, and this is the hardest thing for any woman.”

When Xiao Shuang, 58, discovered her husband was gay more than 10 years ago, divorce was inevitable. Although her son blamed her for breaking up the family, she could not bring herself to tell him the truth.

Women married to gay men are at greater risk of contracting AIDS because their husbands are among the most vulnerable group, experts say.

Homosexual acts account for 32 percent of all HIV contractions in China, according to Ministry of Health statistics from 2009. Zhang Beichuan recalls a gathering of 60 HIV sufferers — 40 were gay men and the rest were the wives of gay men.

Zhang said they were often subject to frequent and severe domestic violence.

Some gay people are distressed at being unable to be themselves, so they tend to vent their pent-up frustrations on their wives, Zhang said.

Acceptance of homosexuals has improved slightly in recent years. But most homosexuals are afraid of society's judgment or unable to accept themselves.

The dilemma of divorce

Many tongqi are reluctant to divorce. They may still have strong feelings for their husbands or be financially dependent on them.

Zhang Hua, a gay man, was frustrated when his wife refused to end their six-year marriage. "After I discovered my true sexual orientation, I wanted a divorce," said Zhang. But Zhang's wife insisted that staying together was the responsible thing to do as parents.

Zhang is regarded as a model husband. He does most of the household chores, takes good care of his two children and goes hiking and swimming with his wife. But his wife wanted to keep his sexuality secret.

Under the law, gay husbands do not fall into the category of wrongdoers. In many cases, courts will not support claims for compensation from wives for their husbands' sexuality. (Han Ximin)

China recognizes neither same-sex marriage nor civil unions. A poll conducted in 2009 showed that over 30 percent of the Beijing population supports same-sex marriage, while the rest were unsure or opposed.

On Jan. 13, 2010, Zeng Anquan, a divorced architect aged 45, and Pan Wenjie, a demobilized PLA soldier aged 27, got married at a gay bar in Chengdu. However, the marriage is not legally recognized. Sociologist Li Yinhe has been campaigning for a Chinese Same-Sex Marriage Bill as an amendment to the marriage law to CPPCC sessions for four years but failed.

The attitude of the Chinese Government towards homosexuality is believed to be "three nos": "No approval; no disapproval; no promotion."

"Tongqi is a social phenomenon 'with unique Chinese characteristics.' The large number of women in this position is caused mainly by the deeply ingrained tradition that adult men and women should marry and have children. Chinese men are put under pressure to take up certain gender in the family, shouldering family responsibilities and siring children to continue the family line."

— Li Yinhe, professor with Chinese Academy of Social Sciences