No punishment

Pupil: Sir, would you punish someone for something they didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Pupil: Oh good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Leave her alone,

she’s mine

A dachshund, a hound dog and a bulldog were in a doggie bar. A good-looking collie came in and said whoever can put liver and cheese in a sentence can kiss me!

So the dachshund said: “I love liver and cheese,” but the collie said not good enough.

So the hound dog said: “I hate liver and cheese,” but all she said was not creative.

So the bulldog said: “ Liver alone, cheese mine!”

Using a pencil

Patient: Doctor, I’ve swallowed my pen.

Doctor: Hmmm, how are you coping so far?

Patient: I’m using a pencil.

Christmas shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner: “What have you been charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offence,” said the judge.

“It is if you do it before the shop opened,” answered the prisoner.