Five dollars

Tom: William has asked me to lend him five dollars.

Should I?

Jack: Certainly.

Tom: Why?

Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

Best reward

A naval officer was rescued by a deck hand after falling overboard. The officer asked how he could reward him.

“The best way, sir,” said the deck hand, “is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I’d pulled you out, they’d chuck me in.”

Alright

Hurrying my 11-year-old daughter to school, I illegally made a right turn at a red light. “Uh-oh,” I said, realizing my mistake. “I just made an illegal turn.”

“It’s alright,” my daughter replied. “The police car behind us did the same thing.”

Two birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is a sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out which is which but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

Serious problem

Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said.

Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?

Patient: What problem?