Disorderly conduct

    Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

    Judge: What were you doing?

    1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

    Judge: And what were you doing?

    2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

    Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

    3rd man: No, sir. I am Peanuts!

    A missing person

    A distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

    The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

    The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

    The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

    What happened?

    The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

    “Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” asked the officer.

    “Sir,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole!”