Lei Xiangping

    lagon235@163.com

    AS Chinese people were immersed in the atmosphere of Spring Festival, many young singles were entangled in fierce battles with their parents, who pressured their adult children to get married as soon as possible.

    Two recent examples can show the fierceness of this familial tug of war. Five girls raised banners reading “Mom, don’t force me to marry during Spring Festival, because I can master my own happiness” in a silent demonstration in Shanghai. In a more dramatic incident, a man from Liaoning Province was arrested for having kidnapped a girl to go home with him as his fiancée, because he had been pressured by his parents to marry for years.

    Obviously, parents’ meddling with children’s marriages has produced bad results. But the harsh reality is parent-brokered marriages are becoming more popular in China, which has roughly 30 million bachelors or bachelorettes. A recent survey by a website shows that over 60 percent of the 1,974 respondents were pressured by parents to marry. Nevertheless, only 10 percent agreed with the brokerage.

    Young singles would often rather remain single than marry someone randomly just to satisfy their parents’ requests, and opt to get married based on love. However, to those anxious parents who rack their brains to find the right person and arrange blind dates for their children, a straightforward “no” spoken to them is not enough.

    Then what should be done to bring this battle to a halt? Building a two-way bridge for them to communicate is indispensable: young singles should understand that their marriage is also part of their parents’ happiness, and parents should know haste makes waste: successful marriages can hardly be obtained in one stroke.

    As a Chinese proverb goes: “A man should get married on coming of age, and so should a girl.” Marriage is one important way for young singles to practice the tradition of filial piety. Instead of opposing parents’ brokerages directly, young singles should be cooperative by listening to their marriage advice attentively, or by dodging their requests politely by saying that they are still pursuing their careers, but with marriage as a priority, or if possible, by checking whether candidates recommended by parents are suitable or not. These may not promise young singles a successful marriage, but at least they show their parents the willingness to take the marriage issue seriously.

    Meanwhile, young singles need figure out why parents feel so desperate to intervene with their marriages. A newly published study by the World Bank might shed light on this question. It says: “When old age support is mainly provided by adult children, parents have an incentive to affect the matching outcomes, making sure their own long-term security is not at stake.” China is an aging society now, and adult children are living by themselves most times of the year, so elderly parents who are vulnerable to illness, solitariness and loneliness would like to match their children with familiar people in order to alleviate their sense of insecurity.

    Parents should understand their children’s concerns over marriage. Many Chinese now see the ownership of a home and even a car as a prerequisite of marriage. This means a heavy financial burden for young people. And many young singles who are curious to explore new lifestyles and pursue meaningful causes before settling down for marriage don’t think marriage is the most important thing for the time being. Even if they have the intention of finding their other half, spiritual resonance is considered the first prerequisite, so they have to spend lots of time finding the right person. Clearly, what they are yearning for from parents is respect and patience — two things long neglected.

    Only with mutual communication can children and parents solve their differences on the marriage issue.

    (The author is an editor with the News Desk at China Radio International.)