STRESS is contagious. It’s true. But unlike a flu bug that no one wants, the catching effect of stress happens because we want and need to share it — not only to vent about our own problems, but also to help relieve the burden of someone else. This is part of what it means to be empathetic — and it’s a good thing! Our ability to connect to and support one another during tough times is one of the critical building blocks of resilience.

    But — and there is a but — when you cease to shore up your own boundaries, you’re like a person whose immunity has been compromised. You start catching everything that comes along.

    So, how do you stay centered when other people derail you, and take responsibility for how you convey your own stress? Here’s some suggestions.1Trap, map, and zap

    your triggers

    While you can’t control what happens to you or around you, you can control how you respond to it. You’re accountable for how you react to stress and behave toward other people.

    Say you have a run-in with the boss who’s been tense lately, and you start venting to a co-worker. Stop yourself and do this:

    Trap it: Observe your emotions and where you feel them in your body.

    Map it: Identify the thought going through your head that’s causing the emotion. What thought or story flashed through your mind that created that emotion?

    Zap it: Challenge the thought. Is it true? Recognize that most of what you’re feeling came from your interpretation, not from reality.

    The next time you encounter this person or your own stress, you’ll be primed to recognize your thoughts and feelings, and you’ll have the skills to process them quickly.

    2Train your relaxation response

    Relaxation isn’t a default for most of us. So you have to train yourself to do it. When you can relax your body in the midst of external and internal stress, you can build an emotional buffer zone at the drop of a hat.

    Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows the heart rate and governs your body’s relaxation response. Try it: On the inhale, fill your lungs fully, hold for a second or so, and then exhale in a relaxed way. Continue for 60 seconds.

    3Set boundaries you can stand by

    It’s not easy, especially when you are conditioned to put others first. But buffer zones have to be real to work. First, what are your limits, and what is off limits? Maybe you don’t allow that friend to call you at all hours of the night, but let her know when you are able to talk to her and listen to what she’s going through. Maybe you need a few minutes every morning to yourself, without anyone else around.

    Or maybe it’s not the times, but the topics that are a problem. Perhaps you lay down the law: No money talk in the bedroom, for instance, and no personal disagreements in the office. The where and when matters, and can help you create boundaries that work.

    You can’t just hope no one crosses your boundaries; you have to be willing to say what they are. You’re not being mean. You’re actually communicating to the other person when and how you can best support them. The clearer and calmer your boundaries, the more positive, respectful and supportive your connections will be.(SD-Agencies)