Qianyu Ann Nie, Emma Willard School

I was not born to be a “leader.”

In primary school I hid in the bathroom to get away from running 50 meters in PE class. I can be funny around my friends, but I do not feel comfortable being funny in public. I would rather do the work myself than to criticize my partner’s unsatisfying work. Little things like these day by day convinced me that I could not be a good leader because I did not have those essential qualities: outgoingness, popularity, confidence, etc., characteristics one can find in successful women such as Wonder Woman. She is not only as good as Captain America, but she exceeds him in some ways.

This is why I felt like the world was turning upside down when I was appointed to be the captain of the school’s varsity track and field team. The coaches explained that they saw leadership in me and that I was committed to every single practice. But honestly? Everyone commits to their practice because that is the basic ground rule, and I did not buy a single word about my potential leadership.

For a moment I almost thought I was back in primary school, where, to maintain their authority, the teachers would assign those naughty kids to be class officials so that they would behave themselves. Had I slacked off too much last season and this was their way of motivating me?

This couldn’t be. American high school teachers do not do things this way. I could not figure out why they wanted me to be the captain because there were people much faster than me on the team.

My first issue came when running the 3,000-meter race. Because everyone was in the same race, and I was not fast enough to finish early, I could not cheer for my teammates at the finish line, although I really wanted to. Every mid- and long-distance runner knows how effective cheering can be for the runner during those seemingly never-ending races. I was troubled by the fact that I was too slow to cheer for my teammates at the finish line, so I pushed hard in the race and I sometimes shouted some little words of encouragement when my teammates ran past me or I ran past my teammates while I still had the breath to do so.

The second situation was about the team apparel. The head coach assigned the whole team apparel job to me because I was the only junior captain among the four. I gladly accepted my task because I love shopping and designing. But when the other captains were talking to me about wanting to get wind-breakers for this year’s apparel, I felt uncomfortable.

Although I knew it had always been this way, but who in the first place decided that the captains got to decide what to get for apparel? Wouldn’t a poll by the team be more democratic? So I ended up sending out four surveys to the team in three weeks, one by one, from the type of apparel to the color and design. This year’s apparel ordering took longer than in previous years and I think I could have done better. But as of right now I do not regret sending out those surveys because many people ordered apparel this year because it was what they wanted.

When another captain told me that I didn’t have to follow the poll results since no one would know except for me that the majority preferred black backpacks even though she and I preferred the red ones — I struggled and fought with myself in my head. I sent an email to the dealer and asked if we could have both colors and if the price would be the same; luckily the answer was “yes” because if not I think I would have ordered the black ones instead. It is silly that I always do extra work when there is an easier path to get what I want, but I guess that is just who I am. I am sensitive, and I love my teammates more than a red backpack.

After two seasons of being track captain, I still have not figured out what defines a good leader, and like many people, I struggle every day to pull myself out of bed to go to practice. But looking back at the troubles I have gone through, I know that I do not have to be like Captain America to be a track captain – I do not have to be loud in giving orders and confident and powerful — I do things my own way, and each day I am trying to be a better captain for my teammates.