“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you?”

— Rumi

Debra Li

debra_lidan@163.com

ROMANTIC relationships are an integral part of the human experience and can bring immense joy, fulfillment and a sense of belonging, but they can also be challenging. It requires patience, understanding and hard work for love to thrive.

A census in 2020 revealed that in today’s China the average age for the first marriage was 29 for males and 27 for females. Although an increasing number of city dwellers remain single until after 30, the majority are still yearning for a rewarding relationship and wish to get married. This is according to a study released by Just So Soul Institute (affiliated with the social networking app Soul) on Tuesday, which coincided with this year’s Valentine’s Day.

For its research on “Gen Zers’ Perspectives on Marriage,” the institute surveyed 1,618 young adults online, which shed light on some interesting facts about what China’s young are seeking and what concerns they have about relationships, as well as what efforts they’ve made down the treacherous journey of finding true love.

For starters, the survey found that the young do not want to wait too long to make the big decision. Although only 37.65% of the correspondents wish to get married before 30, which is not an easy task to accomplish, far fewer (3.2%) look forward to a marathon romance. Nine out of 10 think it ideal to get married within three years of dating, while 6.6% think one month of getting to know each other suffices.

While it comes as no surprise that more than 90% of those surveyed are ready to meet someone online, it is a bit surprising to learn that those born before the 1990s (57.14%), rather than those at least 10 years younger (42.31%) would more likely resort to an app as the first place to find a love interest.

Compared with those in their late teens and early 20s, who are most probably in universities or have just left campus, young adults born in the 1990s are more likely to be kept busy by their jobs, and left with less time to mingle with people their own age. Unlike the campus life where clubs, lectures and elective courses attended by hundreds make it easier to meet new people, workplaces are also more restrictive and less friendly for finding or establishing budding romances.

Whether it is dating apps, social media, speed dating events or traditional setups by friends and relatives, young people today are open to various means of finding a prospective partner, because the survey also found that more than 80% of the subjects do look forward to getting married.

As to why they want to get hitched, nearly half of the correspondents (49.29%) said marriage would be a milestone in their life and help them to become a more responsible, better person. The other mainstream reasons that come after this were “satisfying the wish of parents, wanting to have children and obeying social norms because their clocks were ticking.” Compared with their parents’ generation, young people today increasingly view marriage as a personal choice, which they hope would have positive influences on their lives.

To that end, China’s young have realistic and sensible considerations in choosing a future spouse. Nine out of 10 correspondents (89.53%) said they intend to find someone who shares their world views and ethics, followed by 60.47% who value a good personality. Good earning ability is also important, a criterion chosen by 39.53%, but not as important as a shared hobby (valued by 43.02%). Far fewer correspondents (13.95%) think good looks matter, proving that our young are not shallow at all. A person’s original family, current job and education background count even less in the choice of a soul mate, the survey found.

Liang Yong’an, professor of Chinese language with Fudan University and vlogger known for his wise suggestions on relationships and dating, endorsed apps and social media as a good way to reach out and find someone who shares one’s passions and world views. “On Douban or Soul App, young hearts can be easily drawn closer by a discussion about a movie or sharing of one’s passion for food or traveling,” he said.

More than 83% of those surveyed are open to the idea of women marrying younger men, an unconventional choice that reflects the change of social norms and perhaps an influence from South Korean TV dramas.

While only 16.45% don’t mind long-distance romance at all, 57.18% are open to the choice of being apart from their partner for limited periods of time.

Men and women obviously think differently about caili, or the betrothal gift a man gives to the bride’s family. While nearly 70% of the men surveyed think it is a burden, more than 70% of women think it is a necessity. While the majority (57.98%) thinks the appropriate sum of caili is between 100,000 yuan (about US$14,620) and 300,000 yuan, a little more than 30% think a sum less than 100,000 yuan is acceptable.

A sex difference is also reflected in the expectation of having children, the biggest worry for young people looking forward to marriage. While women generally wish to have their first child between 26 and 30, men expect to become a dad between 30 and 35.

People are more open to wedding ceremonies, too. While nearly 60% still want some kind of ceremony, some 30% want just a honeymoon trip, and a most unconventional 8.92% say they simply need to register their marriage legally.

“For previous generations,” Liang said, “one’s personal happiness is closely tied up with their original family. Things have changed drastically as more people choose to live away from their hometowns. Love and marriage is more of a personal choice now.”

For our young generation, what they need is a profound emotional bond with another person that can commit them to a marriage, Liang added.