Debra Li

debra_lidan@163.com

AT a carnival-themed wedding ceremony — think of DJs, a band playing, a quiz show and other games with prizes and souvenirs for the winners, in addition to food and drinks —held in a courtyard in the trendy OCT area, Le Le, 28, tied the knot with her designer husband this January. Witnessed by the newlyweds’ extended families and some 100 close friends, the groom said “I do” to a long detailed list of commitments that range from sharing the housework and allotting time for vacations together.

Le Le works as a staffer in a university in Shenzhen. At her age, most women of her mom’s generation had already become a parent; three decades on, Le Le is one of those who got married early among her peers.

The 2020 national population census found that the average age for a Chinese person to get married for the first time was 28.67 years, in contrast to 24.89 years back in 2010.

Work first,

romance a plus

Marriage, a legally-binding exclusive relationship, is traditionally associated with such benefits as improved financial status, more comfortable living, care and companionship pledged by another human, sexual satisfaction and a sense of belonging.

Those functions, however, can be easily achieved through other means in today’s modern society, explained Zheng Jing, a sociology scholar from Shenzhen University.

“If you don’t want to cook, you can eat out or order takeout. There are a million other ways to spend one’s limited leisure time away from work – games, social media, going to the gym … for women, K-drama actors and virtual boyfriends can provide more satisfaction in the form of a perfect love interest than real-life males. Young people can also find a sense of belonging in a fandom or hobby groups on apps like Douban or Soul,” she said.

In fact, Le Le didn’t have a boyfriend until she met her husband during the Mid-Autumn Festival holiday in 2019. They were introduced to each other by a mutual friend.

“I previously worked in a leading internet and gaming company. Obviously, the workload was heavy, which left me little time for other pursuits. During my spare time, I’d rather watch a movie, attend an exhibition or eat at a gourmet restaurant alone. Work came first; romance is a plus, but not essential or necessary in my life,” she said.

Illusive love and practical concerns

While many young adults view romance and marriage not as an urgent necessity, they have been deterred from seeking romance or getting married with the rising divorce rates, the annoying trivialities and conflicts of married life vividly shown through reality shows and opinionated social media posts.

Ye Zi, a bank employee in her late 20s, broke up with her boyfriend after a year. “I was contributing a lot, but he just took things for granted,” she said. One night, after coming home exhausted to their rented apartment after a long day at work, Ye went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. She saw that there was no water in the thermos bottle and dirty dishes were piled up in the sink. “My ex was sitting comfortably on the couch glued to his mobile phone. So, I asked myself what’s the point?”

While many posts shared by women on Xiaohongshu complained about difficult mothers-in-laws, countless men confided on hupu.com about hurtful experiences about their girlfriends cheating on them or leaving them for a wealthier man.

Hupu, which started as a sports fan site in 2004, has over 80 million active users, 90% of them male. A popular “green” literature thrived at the site, with green referring to the Chinese expression of “putting on a green hat,” which is the English equivalent of “being cheated on.”

Another thorny topic on the site is about Caili, or the betrothal gift a man usually gives to the bride’s family, which men see as a heavy financial burden. Some users have become more realistic after weeding out their delusions on romantic love. “It’s business, don’t pretend to have romantic feelings,” one comment said.

“Many university students today, particularly males, have reached the consensus that they first need to become financially successful before they can have a viable relationship,” Zheng said. “The typical belief is that, when they become rich, say, in 10 or 15 years, they can have whatever girlfriends they like.”

Official data revealed that between 2000 and 2017, over 90% of the Chinese population aged 35-55 were married. Marriage remains the mainstream choice; only people need a longer time to prepare for it. Whereas love certainly has its fundamentals based in reality, people have more practical thinking when it comes to marriage.

Le Le never wavered in her relationship. It has even survived the test of long distance because she and her husband share many things in common. Both born and raised in Shenzhen, they knew they would return to live in the city someday. When they first met, she was working in Hangzhou while her husband was working in Beijing.

“We discussed such things when we started our relationship,” she said. She said she’d rather not waste time on a relationship that is not going anywhere.

“It’s interesting to see widespread discussions about Chizuko Ueno in Chinese society recently,” Zheng said, referring to the Japanese sociologist and Japan’s “best-known feminist.”

“These discussions, hopefully, will become the starting point where people stop seeing the opposite sex as their rivals, but try to respect their differences, seek dialogues as equals and cooperate for a better future.”

(Le Le and Ye Zi are aliases as the interviewees wish to keep their real names private.)